Distractions

I like change. Its good for me. It helps me clean up my life, get rid of stuff i dont use or need and it helps my mind reorganize and find better ways to do things. I was up late last night painting in my new space. After a couple weeks im finding my groove and figuring out all the new ways my brain is organizing it self. Its like doing math...

I think one of the things i like about change is it makes me think differently. Combing my home and studio has been a great move. No commute, easy access to food, i eat a lot, and i can clean the house when i need to switch my brain for a few minutes. Sweet! My house has never been cleaner. The other thing i like is no distractions......

Ive had a very difficult couple years personally, which means professionally.....The hardest part of the last couple years was the passing of my mother. I new this would be awful, but what i did not expect was the depth of sadness i felt. At times it felt completely unbearable to the point where i just wished i could fall asleep and not wake up. I had NO suicidal thoughts, lets be clear, but the pain was so bad i didnt know if i could continue living this way. Ive experienced someone close to me dying before, but this has been the hardest thing i have ever been through....

My move has pushed me to be very reflective. My mom would love my new place. She was always so proud i was an artist.....and its coming up to 2 years since she died. The second year is always the hardest year for grief. Your less stressed, adjusting your life, people think "oh its been a year there ok now", but its actually harder. Its the daily reminders that this person is gone. Your not distracted with the funeral, or estate or whatever it is, your back to your life with a void. I hate the void. 

The hardest part about life is the void.... silence. Meditation is great but i find it hard to do when im stressed or sad. So i do "wanna be" meditation...i just sit, for as long as i can, and feel the void. It can be really unbearable actually. Sometimes i get 5 minutes....done...enough of that nonsense! Its hard to sit when life is hard. But its the best thing we can do as individuals....sit, feel our thoughts, cry if need be, but be still with ourselves. 

Why are people so afraid of sadness? Life is hard sometimes and sad things happen. So be sad! Don't skirt around the sadness or issue, dont keep busy to avoid your emotions, just be where you are and go through "it", whatever it is. This is easier said than done, i know. But if we as humans just take the time to feel what we are going through, including the "bad" stuff, think how much more healthier of a life we will all have....

Im gonna continue painting today, finish what i started last night. I'll think of my mom as i go, feel the void, probably cry a bit, then go out later and find some distractions.....one can only sit in the void for so long!!