Stillness equals a quiet mind equals the bottom line. I finished a new painting yesterday. It turned out great but it wasnt what i expected..... Ive been working on Awesome People for awhile now and wanted to push myself. So i hired a model, did a shoot, and came up with some great shots. My model Josh was amazing. Really comfortable in front of the camera and had great expressions. I often work from shoots ive done, trying to capture something deep within that i cant always explain at the time. But after, when i look back and the painting is done, i see what i was trying to do.
Occasionally a painful process emerges where im trying to work out some emotional stickiness that needs to be unstuck. This was the case with my last painting. It was my brothers birthday on sunday. He passed away when i was a teenager. It was probably one of the most painful experiences in my life. Every year i think about him, his smile and laughter. The kindness behind his eyes that was often over looked with the drama of yet another screwed up family. Often when i think of him now i wonder what kind of man he would become. Would he have been a musician and teacher? A professional Drag Queen or a librarian..... at the end of the day it doesn't matter. What matters now is how his life effects my daily routine and how i connect with his spirit now.
I had big ideas for this painting. Some of which resembled the present piece. I was shocked though, while painting at how i wanted to change the piece. What was going on.....and then i remembered it was my brothers birthday.....so i changed my tune and went with the process of this now NEW painting. What a freeing experience. I had to let go of my expectation and let it be and get into the process of my piece and see where it led. Regardless of the outcome this was about working out some deep sadness or anger or both! But it needed to be freed.
The painting isn't for everyone. Thats ok. But it sure lifted the heaviness form my soul. That heaviness the creeps up and slowly weighs you down until suddenly you wonder why your so tired and unfocused and struggling to be present. Process is so important. And we dont always need to know the outcome of it. In fact, sometimes its better not to. Letting go to the process is whats important. Its presence broken down to the detail. Moment after moment as we stay with the process we become more present....then more calm.....back to our true selves.
So if you find yourself trying to stick to plans too much, feeling heavily, tired and rigid, maybe give into the process of something that is weighing heavy on your mind. Let it guide you, dont stick to a plan unless it feels right, stick to the process. Within that process you will find freedom. And that is what we all truly want.......but freedom comes with a cost. That cost is always striving to be present. And there is no better way to be present than to follow the processes within our lives.